Back to Basics

Here's the deal: I think I'm a genius. I'm endlessly entertained by my own lies, and nothing thrills me quite as much as telling and retelling my brilliant tales. 

However, in the interest of karmic cleansing, and all the ensuing awesomeness that I'm super super convinced it will bring, I really have been staunching my lie-flow lately.  I just don't write about it, because frankly, it's boring.

No one wants to read about how I was late to work not because I had a magical encounter with a stranger at Starbucks, but because my hair wouldn't flat-iron itself into a ponytail.  And no one wants to know that most emergency room patients present with colds and toothaches,  instead of bazooka injuries and gloved hands (where all the hand skin gets peeled back, exposing its bloody interior.  It never happens, which is why I've worked there a year and only learned about it yesterday). 

The truth is dull.  It kind of bums me out.  Nevertheless, I adhered to it, strictly, for almost an entire week, until I was convinced that karma would deliver Ryan Gosling on my doorstep, and he would tell me that he digs chicks who almost had mental breakdowns when Hershey's stopped making Kissables. 

Unfortunately, I flew a little too close to the honesty-sun, and in one careless moment, ruined my chances at Ryan Gosling forever. And it wasn't even a good lie.  In an act of lie-desperation, I fell into my old, "I'm not from Kingsport" routine, which, as I've already pointed out, is pretty pointless. 

Even more unfortunately, I'm a freakishly dedicated liar, and even after my lie targets tried to call me out, I insisted that no, I definitely didn't grow up in Appalachia, even though I live on a goat farm and talk with a twang when I'm tired.



Also,  my avid readers (all three of you) probably noticed a lapse between my last two posts.  If I wanted to lie, but still be boring, I'd say that my work week drained my desire to be funny.  If I wanted to tell a me- lie, I'd say it was because my mom told me that taking a week off from the Internet makes your sense of smell stronger.

However, the truth is that this song got stuck in my head a few days ago, and like the Yeerk aliens, latched onto my brain and destroyed my ability to function.

(That was an Animorphs reference.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, Google it if you ever want to be my friend, or understand any of the dozens of upcoming K.A. Applegate references.  Be prepared).

See? Honesty kind of sucks.