From Kingsport

Believe it or not, I really have been trying to break my lying habit.  Almost a week's gone by, and I've barely lied to anyone.

Hello, emotional maturity! Or, thank you, plague that leaves me too exhausted to do anything at work but work.  

Anyway, while only working at work, I found time to congratulate myself on my honesty streak.  I was mulling over what kind of present I should buy myself, when I got distracted... and lied.  It was a teeny, tiny lie, but I've told it approximately 525,600 times, so it's actually become a big lie, and it needs to be exposed.

The lie's setup's always the same.  I'm talking to someone, and I pronounce "about" a little bit like "aboot," or I take great pains to avoid a dangling preposition.

Invariably, whoever I'm talking to replies with something like this:

"You ain't from the South, are you? What kinda accent you got, anyway?" 

Also invariably, the response: "Oh, yeah, my mom's from Philadelphia.  The accent kinda rubs off, huh?"


My mother is not from Philadelphia.  She's lived in Kingsport for probably 90% of her life, and I've lived here for 80% of mine.

It's a dumb lie, doesn't make me look cool, and is mostly told to strangers.  However, unlike most of my other lies, I actually tell this one for a reason:

Even though I've lived in Tennessee my whole life, I'm addicted to Canadian television and Jane Austen movie adaptations. Therefore, when I speak, instead of a regional accent, I've developed a weird blend of Canada, England, and, when I'm tired or inebriated, east Tennessee.

For most of my life, it wasn't an issue.  I was super quiet from elementary to high school, and in college, none of my friends knew what an east Tennessee twang should sound like.  No one noticed my ridiculously affected lilt until I re-entered my hometown and was forced to actually interact with people.  That is, no one had noticed the accent since kindergarten.    

The year was 1992.  I was six years old, and spending time amongst non-family member children for the first time in my life.  Initially, we all played together happily, and the other kids assumed I was basically fashioned in the same way they were.  However, they soon discovered that they were very, very wrong. 

Shortly after the school year began, it became obvious to my classmates that I was incapable of properly incorporating the word "ain't" into a conversation.  I always said "is not," or "are not," because at the time, I thought contractions were just for lazy people.  Anyway, after this became evident, I had to act quickly to avoid being ostracized.  I tried to use ain't properly, but to no avail.  

"She is ain't having lunch." 

"I had ain't, and I do not want to again." 

The other kindergartners were horrified.  What kind of malady had struck me, and left me so out-of-touch with the English language? How did this happen?

Once again, I had to cover.  And this time, I had to go bigger. 

"Um, I'm not from America.  We lived in Italy until I was four."

In case there are any six-year-olds currently reading this, they should know: lying and saying you're from a foreign country works every time.  If you're lucky, your lie target's never even heard of the other country, so you're really free to make up whatever kind of ridiculousness you want, and absolutely no one will call you out on it. 

I carried on with the Italy thing all year.  I'd make up gibberish words, and tell kids that they were Italian gypsy spells (because obviously, that's a thing).  I explained that in Italy, spelling your name Ashlea instead of Ashley was actually totally normal, and that if the three Ashleys in my class were to go back to my hometown, they'd be the ones with funny monikers.  At one point, I even said that in Italy, we didn't have chairs, and just balanced on the edges of tables and railings if we needed to rest our legs.  I conveniently forgot how to sit for an entire week, and bless my teachers, they never, ever called me out on it.  Way to foster a young genius. 

Lying like that is what I miss most about childhood, seriously.  Once you get older, if you try something like that, you'd better be prepared.  Read the Wikipedia entry, at least.