The Only Exception

Since starting this blog, I've tried, Lord knows I've tried, to tell the truth in each post.

Earlier today, I realized that not only did I lie in one of my first posts, but until now, I didn't even catch it.  It took reminiscing about college, about my fantastic, fateful freshman year, to remember my only malicious lie.

I had a roommate who was... simple-minded. And while I'm definitely not one to pick on the slower-witted, I will strike back if the dimwit's clothing is creeping into both sides of the closet, and her dishes are growing mold.  The fact the she was dumb wasn't the reason I lied, but it definitely helped. 

The first lie happened almost by accident.  It was the fall of 2005, not long after Hurricane Katrina and the infamous Kanye West telethon moment.  Since college kids love YouTube, everyone on campus watched that video several dozen times. 

Everyone except one coed. 

We realized how out-of-the-loop she was during a Presidential address, when a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, because I really don't think she wants to be associated with this story) and I decided to watch and heckle. 

Side note: regardless of your political affiliations, heckling political speeches is not only a fun way to exercise your sarcasm skills, but also makes you feel so much smarter and well-informed than everyone else in the world. 

Anyway, being the smart-assed 19-year-olds that we were, we couldn't watch the speech without quoting Kanye-- namely, the part where he said George Bush hated black people. 

My roommate, who tended to tune out any kind of non-MTV media, perked up her ears at that. 

"What do y'all mean?  Is he like, one of them Neo-Nazis?" 

I was actually stunned that she knew what a Neo-Nazi is.  Or a regular Nazi, for that matter.  Anyway, we asked her if she'd seen "the video." 

"Is there like, a video where he talks about hating black people?" 

Before I tell the lie, please know that I'm not trying to make any kind of a statement about politics, race, immigration, secession, expansion, Constitutional rights, free speech, language, religion... anything.  I told a dumb lie, completely without agenda.  

"Yeah, he wants to kick everyone who isn't white out of America.  And everyone who doesn't speak English.  There's a new bill in Congress that sends them all to Puerto Rico, and they're setting that up as like, a sub-America." 

Her eyes widened.  "Can he do that?" 

We shrugged.  "He's the President; they have carte blanche."  There was a pause while we explained what that meant.  "Some of my family members are in trouble because they're Italian and their English is like, super broken." 

"But what about like, Australians? You know, how they talk, it's kind of English, but they have different words for stuff?" 

At that, we gave in and switched the channel to My Super Sweet 16. 

That lie served no purpose; however, some of the other lies did.  When she dated a particularly disgusting guy, I did my best to discourage the relationship.  For her own good.  And also to get his skeezy face out of my room.

I didn't tell her anything elaborate-- if I tried another "sub-America" type of lie, and her brain exploded, I'd probably have to live in another dorm until the room got cleaned.  Instead, I just threw out little asides, hoping she'd pick up on them. 

"Didn't James go on a mission trip to China last year? Did you know that even if you order like, chicken over there, they serve tourists dog meat? Ugh, I don't think I'd ever be able to kiss someone who'd eaten poodle." 

"The cleaning lady just told me that there's some kind of mold growing in the guys' bathrooms, so even when they shower, they're getting coated in mold.  And it just keeps growing, all over them and anything they touch.  Nasty, huh?" 

"Hey, it says in the New York Times that being on the Pill makes you 56 times more likely to get an STD!"

I told her that one to make her afraid of sex, because I was terrified she'd get pregnant and her spawn would overrun the world.  In retrospect, it was a dumb lie, because she probably just stopped taking the Pill entirely. 

Anyway, this is the only time, at least that I can remember, where I lied with any kind of malice, and genuinely wanted to screw with someone's perception of the world, and not for the better.  It's only one of the only times I've lied to a non-stranger.  I actually feel a little bad about it, and looking back, a little, tiny part of me actually cringes.     

At least, I think it is the only time.  I hope it is.