Mythbusting

As evidenced through my stories, there are some lies that I like to recycle.  Most of them really aren't very believable, especially when people know me.  There's one, however, that I've never, ever, ever confessed. 

I'm ready now.  Family, friends, take a deep breath, because this will make you question whether or not you ever knew me at all.  Here goes:  I'm not afraid of babies. 

There's nothing scary about a bundle of flesh in a plastic carrier.  It can't punch you, or wield a knife to seek vengeance when you dress it up like a bunny/ tiger/ bear.  It can't bite you, and even if it did, it doesn't get teeth until it's what, two? 

I don't even remember how that lie came about.  Probably at a family reunion; I would have been too busy texting to hold someone's baby for them.  However, saying that aloud makes one sounds shallow and selfish, so feigning ignorance on what to do with an infant was much easier.  Everyone misconstrued it as fear when they realized that I was always texting instead of interacting with children, and they needed a concrete reason.



The lie perpetuates when compounded with the fact that my experience around anyone under age 17 is decidedly minimal.  This probably reads as "fear" when someone hands me an infant, and I hold it three feet from my body.  For some reason, seeing their child dangle in midair prompts most parents to take it back, and they always say, "Oh, you're afraid of kids, aren't you? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you hold it!"  And even though I didn't start the lie, I've certainly never dispelled it.  I like keeping my hands free, thanks. 

It's an unintentional lie, which shouldn't even count.  However, because I refuse to lose with even the smallest,dumbest lies, I've kept it going. 

"You know the the scariest part of Poltergeist? When the little girl comes on screen.  She doesn't do anything, she's just little with big eyes and it's terrifying." 

"Ohmigod, work was horrifying today.  Everybody kept bringing in babies with the sniffles, so not only did I have to look at babies, but they were sniffly and scary. If they infect me, I'm never going near one again." 

I'm afraid of pregnancy.  The thought of labor makes my ovaries want to curl up and die; however, the end result is no scarier than my dog.  Probably less so, given that my dog has freakishly strong jaws and an almost unnatural bloodthirst.  Kids aren't scary until they develop autonomy; then, they can end up like one of the kids on E!'s "Fifteen Scariest Serial Killers Under Age 15;" or, at the very least, they can bite you.

And being bitten hurts.