Think about it:
"You're right, flossing is so important! I floss at least three times a day!"
"Ugh, I know what you mean. I can't stand the thought that coffee and Coke are eroding my enamel. It's why I only drink water these days."
"I've replaced red meat with cod, and all of my bread is made from spinach now. It totally gives me the energy boost to run 8237493 miles a day."
These aren't over-the-top Ashlea lies. These are everybody lies.
On a side note, talking about health is super obnoxious. Don't do it. Even if you're telling the truth, even if you're magical and actually enjoy running, and can survive without sugar or caffeine, keep it to yourself. In fact, if you're magical enough to do that, you're magical enough to do everyone a favor and lie about eating an entire box of Pop Tarts in one sitting. I know people who've done that, and I like them better for it.
Today, at the dentist, I set an impossible challenge for myself. No matter what, I was going to tell the truth. If asked, I would tell her that I drink at least two cups of coffee everyday, followed by soda, cranberry juice... everything except water, tooth enamel be damned. I only floss if I can actually feel something gross in my teeth, and kind of rely on Listerine to do the rest. However, I do brush my teeth a million times a day, because I'm always convinced I smell bad.
I repeated this rundown to the dentist, almost verbatim. Except I didn't say "damned," because, dammit, I'm a lady.
My reward for honesty? A blank stare and uneasy laugh. She promptly pried my mouth open so that I'd be silenced for the rest of the visit. No reward for honesty-- they didn't have a pink toothbrush to give me at the end (they gave me a blue one and I HATE blue).
Because this is a year of discovery and adventure, I was determined to find a lesson in this, and not just that you actually CAN exchange a blue toothbrush for a pink one at Target without a receipt.
As it turns out, doctors and dentists WANT to be lied to. They spend their days lecturing patients about the importance of flossing and the evils of soft drinks, and they don't want to believe their words fall on deaf ears. In effect, they killed any possibility that I'll tell the truth to my regular doctor during my physical next month. I have to preserve his feelings.
"What? There must be some genetic reason for my blood tests to look like that-- I'm vegan! I definitely don't have addictions to ice cream or fancy cheeses. And I've been working out, not just spinning pirouettes in the kitchen while I wait for the microwave to beep. I definitely don't consider that real exercise."
Lies told in this post:
- The dentist visit was like two days ago. I didn't update because after the ordeal, I felt like going out to lunch and to the movies.
- I have no plans to have a physical next month. I only go to the doctor if I think I'm contagious, so that I'll know to infect people I hate.
- I didn't actually exchange the blue toothbrush. I thought about it, hard, but couldn't bring myself to shoplift.
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